The Aging Family

“Whatever problems your family is facing, whatever you must do to solve them, the beginning and the end of the solution is charity, the pure love of Christ.” (-Dieter F Uchtdorf) You will get at a certain point in your life, as a parent, that you will need to tend and meet the needs of not only your children, but your parents and your spouse’s parents as well. Have you ever thought about what sort of experience that is going to be for you and your spouse? Or if you are not yet married, your future spouse? Thinking about it, that time period that you will experience with your spouse will be a period of much stress and responsibility. It is hard enough having to raise a child, but to have to take care of your parents as well will be a tough challenge. Aging parents are not able to take care of themselves due to health concerns. This is normal. To some individuals, this may seem like a burden, but in hindsight, if your parents were able to take care of you, then you can most certainly take care of them. I would not recommend putting your parents in a home instead. Personally, I would just not feel comfortable that decision. I know it would be hard, but they are my parents and I know they would do the same for me because they have. During this time as well, children are developing and getting into their adolescent years. A great time for all parents. It’s something that I am sure they look most forward to. Typically, parents will face many challenges during this stage. They have to understand that this requires much patience and understanding. I am sure this will be difficult because at the same time they will be dealing with aging parents at the same time. But after all these things happen, what happens to parents once the children are all grown up and their parents end up dying? Obviously, this will be a completely different situation than what they are normally used to. They may feel a sense of feeling uncomfortable or emptiness. Why is this? Well a rational explanation for this sense of discomfort may be because the parents had gotten so used to meeting the needs of those around them that they forget what married life was like when they did not have those concerns or responsibilities. Couples may even end up having marital problems or troubles with the relationship. They had spent so much time spending time caring for others that they never truly furthered the relationship and were not able to connect as much as they could have done. I feel like many couples may not realize this, and for those couples that do not end up realizing this because end up losing interest in their partner. And as a result, they may end up divorcing even at an older age. On the other hand, some couples might still end up developing the relationship without even realizing. We each of trials in our lives. Why might be the reason for this? Trials and bad situations in general help us grow individually but in this case, they help us grow as a couple. When we are in the service of others, we often end up benefitting more ourselves than the people or person we tried helping. Although unfair as this may seem, it is a clear indication that is important to help other people in time of need. God oversees all of our attempts and knows we try our best at times. Never lose sight of the things and people that matter the most cause you might end up losing yourself because of it.

Parenting

"To you who are parents, I say, show love to your children. You know you love them, but make certain they know it as well. They are so precious. Let them know. Call upon Heavenly Father for help as you care for their needs each day as you deal with challenges which inevitably come with parenthood. You need more than your own wisdom in rearing them." (President Thomas S. Monson) Parenting is essential and impacts any child. It is not just important that we do it, but how we do it as well. You may have heard that each parent has their own “parenting style.” Some parents may say that are more loose or easy going. Others claim that they are stricter and hold their children more accountable for their actions. What is the right approach? How do gain a clear understanding about the way we raise our kids, without having to deal with culture? One thing clear that I think that every parent must understand that is that they cannot control their children. Some parents tend to have a misunderstanding when it comes to this concept. They may think of themselves as superior. They may feel entitled that since they see themselves as “the boss” that they are the one’s on control and children to not have the right to use their agency. I do not mean to offend any parent when saying that this is false. Kids overall are the ones in control of their own actions. Whether they do something right or wrong, it is based on their own free will and choice. Just as our loving Heavenly Father cannot control what we do in this life, neither can parents control their own children. Each parent has a sacred role in raising a child. However, both parents hold the sacred responsibility in teaching their children key principles that God has passed down to His children since the beginning of time. In summary the only thing a parent can do is teach their children. Everything else depends on their choices and actions. Now when a child does something wrong, how do we respond? How should we teach our child in that situation? What is the right way to discipline a child? One thing that I can say is that physically abuse is not the way to discipline a child. That is not the way to go about parenting. I remember one occasion when serving a mission in Guatemala where I met a family that had their own way of discipling their kids. They made the claim that their kids would act out so much that they needed to physically abuse their kids. I even remember us having lunch with them and hearing the father hit one of the sons with his belt because he was acting out. The spirit was most definitely not in the room. We felt so bad for the kid. Even though he had done something wrong, that was not the way to go about things. They even asked us about our opinion on the subject and they got offended by our response. I hope no parent does this same thing. Yes, children will make mistakes and we will feel frustrated at times, but we should think for one second that by hitting a child they will behave. We should look to the Savior and remember how he taught others. Even in the midst of so much hate and darkness, he was able to teach his brothers and sisters with love and compassion. When the apostles would make mistakes, He would never physically discipline them but would teach them with kindness.

Fathers

"We do live in turbulent times. Often the future is unknown; therefore, it behooves us to prepare for uncertainties. Statistics reveal that at some time, for a variety of reasons, you may find yourself in the role of financial provider. I urge you to pursue your education and learn marketable skills so that, should such a situation arise, you are prepared to provide." (President Thomas S. Monson) The role of a father is so crucial in developing and providing for a family. I have often pondered over the subject and I have thought to myself, what do I have to do in order to be ready for such a task? Education and the development of personal skills and talents will bless the lives of so many people such as your loved ones. This is not an easy task. I actually consider it one of the most difficult tasks that any man will face in this life. In one of the paragraphs from The Family: A Proclamation to the World it states, “ By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families.” God has taught us through His divine servants the prophets and apostles that fathers have three vital responsibilities in their role in the family. Fathers are to provide, preside, and protect. Now let’s turn our focus to provide. Obviously this means financially. But are all fathers and husbands good for is money? Of course not! This is very important yes, but fathers are much more than that. But we cannot deny that this is essential in order to have a stable home. I come from two very hard-working parents. They have always done their best to try to give me all that I have ever wanted and much more. I am so blessed to have had a father that has put my needs ahead of his. He is a great example and role model for me in my life personally to be honest. I do not think I can ever repay him for all that he has done for me. Something that really surprises me even more is the fact that my father really struggled growing up as a kid. When he was fourteen he lost his father and was forced to live with his grandparents because my grandmother was not able to provide and take care of all of my aunts and uncles. At eighteen he came to the United States and had to adapt to the different lifestyle that there is here in comparison with the Mexican lifestyle. He eventually married my mother and I was born soon after. My father had previously married another woman before marrying my mom and he had three children with her. Overall he has had to provide for a number of children including myself. He did not go to college. He was not blessed with the same opportunities as me or my siblings. And he still was able to start his own business, work, and pay provide for all of us. It has not been easy, especially considering he had to learn how to do everything himself. I have never met a man like my dad. I am so lucky to have him in my life. Not because of all the things that he has bought me, but for teaching me that your children come first and you must be willing to do anything in order to protect and provide for them. Fathers are more than what society sees them as, they are superheroes that change the lives of many children today. 

Communication

"Your most important friendships should be with your own brothers and sisters and with your father and mother. Love your family. Be loyal to them. Have a genuine concern for your brothers and sisters. Help carry their load so you can say, like the lyrics of the song, 'He ain't heavy; he's my brother'." (President Ezra Taft Benson) This week we discussed the importance that communication has in marriage. I believe this quote not only applies to us children but to husbands and wives as well. Your spouse should be your best friend. It is important that you maintain a good relationship with one another. Although this is important, it is no easy task. Just as all friends share great moments with one another, they also experience bad moments. Disagreements, misunderstandings, or fights all happen in a marriage and in a family for that matter. The way we deal with those issues is just as important as fixing those issues. For example when you fight with someone, how do you typically handle the situation? Do you become so frustrated that express your emotions by yelling? Or do you often hide those emotions and instead of letting them out, you keep to yourself and do not even bother arguing with whomever you’re upset over? Personally this reflect on I handle situations such as those. I would have to say that I am more like the second stereotype. Whenever I get upset with someone I tend to use the silent treatment to get my point across. My reasoning for doing this consists of two things. First because I don’t like bothering people with personal things. And second because I don’t like opening up to people. I recognize this is probably a really bad habit to get into. If I’m like this now with other people, just imagine how my marriage is going to like. It’s going to be a struggle most likely. Although I do give myself a little credit for recognizing this. In order to truly resolve an issue, you must communicate with your partner or whomever in order to have true peace. I am an awful example. I do the complete opposite of fixing the situation. Communicate! Don’t be like me! Now touching on the other stereotype they do communicate. But the way those people tend to communicate is not the right way of going about things. Yelling and screaming will never solve an issue. People ultimately struggle with this habit because they often do not know how to control their feelings as opposed to their counterparts. Whatever sort of problem comes up, you need to be able to communicate with your partner and express your feelings and a civil and constructive way. I had an experience not too long ago that relates to this topic. Last semester I got really close to my roommates and was able to gain great friendships with each of them. Towards the end the semester I got upset with one of them over something that they had down. Instead of talking to this person about it, I gave them the silent treatment and did not express this issue. And because of that, I ultimately lost him as a friend. Do not make this same mistake. I really cared about this person and I still do, and I’m ashamed of myself for not saying something and not being able to continue the friendship that we had. I learned from this experience however. Take it from me it’s best to communicate, because you might end up losing a lot more than you think. Be mature with whatever situation comes up and you will be grateful that you did make an effort to communicate.

Stress

"Each of us will have our own Fridays -- those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death -- Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come." (Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin) Everyone that I am close with knows how great my parents are. Growing up my friends would often talk about how great my parents were as people. They treated them with kindness. They always welcomed them into our home and made them feel like they were part of the family. My parents were always very supportive of me and knew how much my friends meant to me. We have been blessed to have attended a number of wards ever since we first joined the church. I would hear similar comments from ward members about my parents as well. They saw how special they were, and because of all these people I noticed it as well. I am so grateful to have such wonderful parents. They’ve always given me everything I’ve ever wanted and more. My home was always full of love and support. Although I have been blessed to have been raised in such a comfortable and loving home, it was not always life this. Fifteen years ago, my home was very different than how it is now. My parents and I were not members of the church. We actually did not facilitate ourselves with any religion. We believed in God, but that was about it. In that time period, I saw my parents struggle with many things. My father had been struggling with finding work for a long time. He had issues with drinking and smoking cigarettes. He would cope with all of his financial issues by doing those things. That would cause him to have mood swings and yell at my mother. She too would drink but not as heavily as him. I remember we often have to pick him up late at night from the shop because he would stay their with his workers smoking, drinking, and gambling. He was not able to drive himself home so we would have to go there and bring him home. How do you think my mother about all of this during this time? Obviously she was doing everything perfect but she did struggle with my bad because he was being a bit irresponsible and making life more stressful at home than it needed to be. After school I would walk home and spend hours waiting for my parents to get home from work, and as soon as they would get home, they would start arguing and fighting. You do not want to ever hear two Latino parents arguing. It’s the worst thing in the world. That would hurt me so much. It was literally the scariest and saddest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I knew were missing something in our lives. I knew my home was not supposed to be like this but I didn’t know what to do in order to change all this. One day my parents started arguing and screaming at each other and it got so bad that I ran into my room just crying my eyes out from feeling so much pain. I did not want to lose them. I had an impression that I needed to pray. I was six years old. I didn’t really know who or what God was just that He existed. I knelt on my bed and prayed to Heavenly Father that he would do something to change all this. I pleaded with Him, begging Him to make things better and if it came down to it, I would much rather prefer myself to suffer than my parents. I don’t remember how long it took after that moment, but days or weeks later we started going to church and that’s when everything changed. My father overcame his addictions. My mother stopped drinking. My dad was able to finally find work again and provide for us. We received everything and a lot more than we needed just from a simple prayer. You cannot go through trials alone. There will come a time when you’ll realize that you need God in your life. You might have to struggle to eventually find Him, but it will be worth it cause He will bless you in ways you never dreamed possible. Ask and ye shall receive. Pray and He will listen.

Sexual Intimacy

"Just as Jesus used a child in His mortal ministry as an example for the people of the pure love they must and could have to be like Him, He has offered us the family as an example of an ideal setting in which we can learn how to love as He loves. That is because the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is." (President Henry B. Eyring) Just as people have a misconception of love, people have a misconception of sex. Why is it that people look at sex as something so negative? The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has described this God-given power as something “beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love within marriage.” Satan has led so many people into believing that they may use this sacred power outside of marriage or with people of the same sex. Alma, a prophet of The Book of Mormon, described sexual intimacy outside of marriage as one of the “most abominable above all sins…”  People often forget that one of the first commandments God gave to man was to “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth. “The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.” This is to be done through the sacredness of sexual relations between a married man and woman. What makes this power so sacred however? Elder Holland, a living-day apostle, described sexual intimacy as “you will never be more like God at any other time in this life than when you are expressing that particular power.” When performing such an act, we are dealing with the power of creation. Sex is meant to bring children into this world. Our Heavenly Father, the God of creation, has given us this ability, but we must not take advantage, nor divulge it. This sacred moment is between, you, your spouse, and God. We see so many people today not living in accordance with what God has always taught His children. Many individuals don’t realize how sacred this is and how it can have a negative affect on their lives when this power is mistreated. “We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.” Media and other social networks are causes for these issues as well. Society portrays sex as meaningless and alright. Satan is heavily at work and only wishes to wishes to cause pain and suffering. If we live a chaste life and apply the teachings of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, then he will pour out great blessings in our lives. We will be able to gain a spouse, raise children, and be healthy. Sex is a symbol of unity. We should never allow ourselves to conform to society and do whatever it is that the world is doing. It may be fun in the moment, but it will only be for a moment. Temporary happiness does not bring eternal happiness.

Transitions in Marriage

"Meanwhile, mortal misunderstandings can make mischief in marriage. In fact, each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people. Happiness can come to them only through their earnest effort. Just as harmony comes from an orchestra only when its members make a concentrated effort, so harmony in marriage also requires a concerted effort. That effort will succeed in each partner will minimize personal demands and maximize actions of loving selflessness" (President Russell M. Nelson). What happens when two imperfect people end up falling in love and getting married? Obviously there will sometimes be misunderstandings, fights, and tension. If you are in search of the “perfect someone,” trust me when I say there isn’t one. Even if there were that special someone, why would she or he end up with you? As harsh as that may sound it’s true. Eternal Marriage is a symbol of unity. Often times I have pondered over this subject. The best advice I can come up with is try to find someone that has certain qualities that you do not possess. We are all imperfect human beings. God and I are the only ones who truly understand myself. I know my weaknesses and strengths. In order to better those weaknesses, I need to look for someone who is good at those things or areas. Although this may seem one-sided, it is not. I hope to end up with someone that will be good what I am not, but I will be have certain qualities that she does not have. And together we shall grow and become better. I am a person that is always thinking about improvement. Just like the rich young ruler in the new testament I often ask myself “what lack I yet?” I am aware that I have a number of things that I need to improve on, but I know I cannot do it alone. I need someone to help me improve as a person, individual, a son, etc. I have been able to obtain all of my strengths thanks to the help of others. Ask yourself when decided on if he or she is really the one for you “is this person going to make me better or worse?” I have seen this concept in my parents. My parents are complete opposites. Their personalities are what make them different. My father is typically the energetic one. Always trying to make people smile and looking for friendship. Striving to connect with people and understand them. I really love him because of how unselfish he has always been. He has always put his kids first. He has always given me more than what I deserve. And that’s incredible considering he came from poverty in a different country. My father struggled and sacrificed much to be where he is today. My mother is quite the opposite. She is nice but is not as open as my father. She is more reserved and the more responsible one in the family. Out of the two, she is always the main one that gets mad at me when I am not doing what I am suppose to do. This may sound bad, but she is the one that wears the pants in the relationship. Always doing what is needed to be done. She is a very professional individual. Although their personalities are quite different, they complement each other. She has helped him become more responsible. He has helped her become more loving towards others. They always want to be together. They cannot stand being away from each other. They do fight but they do their best to try to resolve issues. Find that person that compliments you. And you will see how he or she can help you reach your full potential.